Satire: ACLU Fights Batman
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Our scene: A well-lit room off of the lobby of one of the city’s finest hotels. Rows of chairs lined up before a podium with a small placard listing four capitalized letters, an apparent acronym.
There was chatter throughout the room among the cadres of the press. A Post journalist was hitting on a Times columnist in the back row while a Daily reporter munched down some of the provided doughnuts. Some of the cameramen in the back were still getting ready when a flurry of activity began as the official spokesperson walked toward the podium and began to address the crowd:
Ladies and Gentleman, thank you all for coming tonight. The ACLU has called this press conference in order to address a serious problem in our city. We have among us someone who believes that he is above the law. What’s more – our city officials have condoned his practices. Our police chief even solicits this rogue’s help – and rogue is the right terminology: The man of whom I speak has an utter disrespect for the rights of the individual within this democratic society and our government’s shameful use of his despicable tactics is an instance that ought to be condemned by freedom-loving individuals everywhere. After all, as it says on our website, “if the rights of society’s most vulnerable members are denied, everybody’s rights are imperiled” – and absolutely no one goes after these most vulnerable members more than this man, or should I say, than this Batman.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Batman is a menace to Gotham City. His flagrant vigilantism and the city’s tacit approval of such continuous circumstances are not worth the supposed benefits of a safer city. Batman has consistently targeted less-advantaged members of society who are mentally unstable, often economically disadvantaged, and have had generally poor childhoods. People undeservedly labeled as “villains” have continuously been victims of Batman’s transgressions. I’ve made available a detailed list that will shortly be distributed to the press; however, I’ll be happy to go through some of those now.
Batman has successfully and wrongfully pursued such individuals as Mr. Freeze, notable for his groundbreaking work in the fight against global warming. As acknowledged by a colleague at the National Organization for Women earlier this week, Batman has also disproportionately and unfairly targeted socially underprivileged females, such as animal rights activist Catwoman and environmentalist Poison Ivy. Another P.E.T.A. supporter Batman has nabbed is the Penguin, whose hefty weight presented a huge physical and psychological adverse circumstance in evading Batman’s clutches – a factor we will be sure to bring up to the court, pending appeal. But Batman’s bigotry knows no end: He has also concentrated his efforts on minorities such as innocent Muslim Ra’s Al Ghoul and racially ambiguous Two-face. Ladies and gentlemen – the list goes on and on.
But even more disappointing than Batman’s pursuit of mere stereotypes as criminals is his vigorous assault on these individuals’ civil liberties. I doubt the man has even heard of “Miranda Rights.” He could easily be charged with numerous counts of breaking and entering, assault and battery, arson, kidnapping, speeding, trespassing, theft, sexual assault, and, among a litany of other misdemeanors and felonies, murder. Batman not only has the gall to do all of this – he then systematically “arrests” said individuals, often seriously hurting and/or killing their employees, to whom he refers as ‘henchmen’. Afterwards, Gotham City Police Department’s Commissioner Gordon actually imprisons these poor individuals and proceeds to launch investigations against their good conduct. Because Batman disgustingly refuses to reveal his identity, not one of the accused has been granted the right to face his or her accuser. It is absolutely preposterous for court documents to cite the accuser as a masked figure with a silly pseudonym.
For these stated reasons, the ACLU has decided to file a class action suit on behalf of the nearly 83% of Gotham City’s prison population against the City of Gotham, Commissioner Gordon, and the person infamously known as “Batman”. We call upon this notorious figure to out himself immediately. His anonymity is absolutely unacceptable to protecting the rights of the free people of Gotham.
Oh, and in an unrelated matter, the ACLU will be formally petitioning the Mayor’s office to reject Wayne Enterprise’s offer to partially pay for a the gigantic Christmas tree downtown on city property and will be presently filing a motion to ensure the tree does not go up at all. Thank you for your time.
