I am going to let you in on a little secret - there is NO dating at Stanford.

“What?” you say, “I’ve never heard this a thousand times before!” I know, you’ve never talked about it with any of your friends, or read any of the hundreds of Stanford Daily articles, or seen the repeated warnings in the Approaching Stanford pamphlets. The fact of the matter is we are bombarded with a tornado-like-fury of articles and every-day conversation about the dismal level of Stanford dating, so it’s beginning to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On top of this, there are so many theories about the cause of the situation and how it should be fixed, no wonder so many of our fellow students find the whole situation so overwhelming lame that they decide to stick with the status quo - study most of the time and perform the role of the typical Stanford dork.

Now don’t get me wrong. I admit to being a pretty huge dork myself – who are we kidding anyway; we all go to Stanford right? My noble goal is to clear-up some of this nonsense by presenting the Top Four reasons there’s no dating at Stanford (Why not top five? Well…stop asking stupid questions). Not only will this provide you with essential information on the topic, but now you don’t have to read all of those other annoying articles about dating. So, without further adieu, here are the Top Four reasons Stanford students don’t date:

Stanford Guys are Pansies

Yes, you heard me right, when it comes to placing blame on the deficiency of Stanford dating it usually falls squarely on the insecure, socially inept, and bumbling idiots fondly known as “Stanford Guys.” Naturally, these men are overachievers in most every way, except when it comes to simple social conventions. For instance, the typical Stanford male can easily write a senior thesis about: the distribution, hybridization, and morphology of Mytilus trossulus, Mytilus galloprovincialis and their hybrids in marine communities adjacent to aquaculture operations in Puget Sound. However, when it comes to flirting with someone, the only words that can be heard through the sporadic drooling and nervous twitching are “you want to come over to my sheets–I mean dorm…for some hot, passionate– um…tea? Ahhh, what I mean is…see you tomorrow in class?”

This theory has been promoted by many people, especially the writers of what seems to be a constant stream of articles begging us men to grow some cajones and start asking girls out. The traditional casual date has become extinct on this campus, but was it necessarily triggered by pansy males? This is where the next excuse comes into play.

Stanford Girls are Ugly

So lots of you guys believe that the “real” reason there is no dating on this campus is because the average Stanford girl looks like a mutilated swamp-beast. Men aren’t insecure with asking girls out; just asking ugly girls out. Then the argument is usually backed up by the fact that some magazine ranked the hottest colleges, with Stanford guys in fourth and the girls making a dismal appearance at 400th. And just to make the argument even more damning, they maintain that not only are most Stanford girls ugly, they have the subtle charm of serial killers and the tender compassion and understanding of starving hyenas on speed.

Clearly many of these comments are made out of the extreme frustrations of the Stanford male. Are Stanford girls really that ugly? Contrary to popular belief, there are many hot girls on this campus (who are especially noticeable during spring time!). Of course, we can’t lie and say that all the girls are drop dead gorgeous, but let’s be honest, neither are the guys. Most of the ivy league-type schools are filled with high-achievers of both sexes who, for some reason or another, tend to be sub-par in the hotness department. One particularly important point is that the alleged Playboy magazine article ranking Stanford guys and girls never existed. In fact, this urban myth not only pertains to Stanford; similar variants have been floating around hundreds of colleges throughout the country. Playboy has finally decided to capitalize on the idea by publishing the first ever top-ten colleges with the hottest girls (see their website for rankings).

Highly Motivated and Intellectually Curious Stanford Students = No Fun

Another one of the foremost theories on the depressing level of dating at Stanford is that we are so motivated we would rather skip dinner, do two problem sets, finish some essays, and check our email every five minutes than go on exciting dates. This may seem weird, but just take a visit to Meyer Library on a Friday or Saturday night and you will realize there are way too many people not “not doing work.”

Stanford students are just too motivated. We all tend to suffer from a severe form of delayed gratification. We would much rather go through a living hell now to achieve a moderate increase in happiness in the future. While normal human beings prefer to live in the present, only suffering pain if it leads to a large reward, victims of delayed gratification often find themselves going through decades of schooling, nonstop work, and are finally diagnosed as workaholics (yippee). The solution is to drop a couple clubs, take fewer classes and just enjoy life.

Contemporary Ideas About Gender Roles and Relationships Leave Many Clueless

One of the latest arguments about dating at Stanford is that our politically correct society makes it hard to know what to do or say without being labeled a racist, sexist, bigot, or one of the other more colorful terms used to describe people voicing their opinions. Perhaps PC culture has “increased tolerance for diversity,” but it has also left many people wondering what to do in social situations such as dating. Should the guy pick up the tab at dinner and risk being called a chauvinist? Should girls ask guys on dates, or is that still considered being too aggressive? Should I even take the risks involved with all this nonsense, or just sit in the corner of my room? These are all good questions with no clear answer, and that is why lots of people are focusing on this contemporary problem.

In the End

Almost every article about the lack of Stanford dating focuses on one reason there’s no dating and then wants you to fix it: “Guys, start asking girls out! - Girls, stop being so ugly! – Don’t be workaholics! – PC culture is the devil! – Blah blah blah.” All these writers ever succeed in doing is either completely depressing us so we never wanting to date again, or slamming so many commands down our throat we are left staring at the paper thinking: “Why should I listen to you?”

In the end, our dating scene isn’t much to worry about. Look at it this way, would you want all the weirdo men who are insecure with themselves to start asking random girls on dates? Would it be better if every girl at Stanford took the initiative and asked out all of the passive guys? I’m going to have to go with no on this one. All the people that don’t want to go on dates don’t have to, and those that want some more excitement in their life are probably already dating. A generally overlooked point is that for those of us that want to date, the environment at Stanford makes it much more likely that our offer will be accepted. All the articles in the world aren’t going to change your mind about dating. Now that you know the Top Four reasons Stanford students don’t date, you don’t need to read all those other peoples’ one-sided, good-for-nothing articles in the first place – Stanford dating is fine just the way it is.

Want personal proof the dating scene at Stanford is still legitimate? Accepting applications at minton@stanford.edu